Boredom and Perfectionism

So, I’m still living in the woods in Mendocino.

16729362_10100793975638322_1556900520026901409_n

It’s beautiful. It’s peaceful….. It’s boring as fuck.

I’ve been here for almost four months and I have managed to keep myself occupied during the day, as there are lots of hikes to take and beaches to visit and whales to watch and other things that require daylight. But then nighttime comes and I am borrrred. I decided to ‘When In Rome’ it and head to the town bar every night like everyone else in this town. Boy, did that super duper not work out for me.

So I’ve decided to quit booze altogether for a while. I’ve been sober about a week and I’m realizing without any alcohol or bar time, the evenings are painfully dull. What do I do with myself? The gym takes up a couple hours of post-work time, but basically I hang out alone in my cabin every night because there’s no where else to go. But what to do in my cabin? For the last three months it was “drink in the cabin, of course,” but now that I’m not doing that, I can’t think of what to do.

Actually that’s a lie. I can think of lots of things to do, like, make art! Bake a cake! Do a puzzle! But guess what, I don’t want to do any of those things. Last night it dawned on me finally why I don’t do those things and chose to binge-watch netflix instead.

It’s perfectionism.

Boredom is a direct result of perfectionism. There’s this huge hump I have to get over to even pull out my markers and it’s a very loud voice that says, you’re going to do a bad job so why even try. I listen to that voice, chose to do nothing, and suffer boredom. Yeah, no. I am *done* with that pattern. It took some sobriety to recognize that, and I am grateful for it.

Also, long term Mendo living doesn’t seem quite right for me. While it is beautiful and serving me in lots of ways right now, I don’t think I could survive up here longer than a year. And that’s ok too 🙂 Until I leave, I’ll be practicing some new behaviors like working through this perfectionism.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Life List. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Boredom and Perfectionism

  1. Barbara Rutner says:

    All good revelations, but it sounds like you could use a couple of friends. I’m sure it’s a little tough to break the ice in a new community, but getting a little bit involved, beyond just work, might break the monotony. No matter what tho I know this experience will serve you well in the long run. Stan and I come to Ukiah to check on our self storage business twice a month so maybe we could meet for lunch there. Ukiah also has a great museum that we’ve never seen. Xoxo ~ Barb

    • spiralcma says:

      Yes I made some friends but the culture here doesn’t suit me so well and I haven’t found anyone I really connect with. I’ll keep trying but I’m not holding my breath.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s