When I was 20 I had a mentor named Henrietta. She assigned me homework one night: write down all the things you want your dream partner to be. I wrote a bunch of things….They’ll be a great cook! They’ll read a lot! They’re kind and loving! They dance! I returned this list of my dream lover’s attributes to her the following week, curious what the point of this exercise would be.
She read it, handed it back to me, and said, “Great. Now go become all those things yourself.” I’m sure I stared at her blankly at first. But 13 years later I think I finally, genuinely get it. We can’t look to others for what we want, we have to find it in ourselves. It’s a sentiment I have heard over and over again, but only in this singledom I’ve had the last while did it finally really sink in.
So I’ve been working on doing just that. In lots of little ways.
The last several years I’ve lamented that my partner never made me coffee in the mornings. I always watched my stepmom bring my dad coffee in bed when I was growing up, and I became really emotionally attached to this act. I taught Michael how to brew coffee but he never did it for whatever reason. Blake would occasionally make me coffee but we were usually still fighting from the night before and it wasn’t sweet, literally and figuratively.
Now all alone in my home I still crave waking up to the smell of coffee, not just for the sake of coffee but in my heart I crave it too. Like it’s a sign of being loved or something. So you know what I did? Today I went and bought a fancy coffee maker that I can program to make coffee at a specific time. So tomorrow, my coffee is set to brew at 6am. And I will wake up to the sweet, sweet smell of coffee I made (basically) all on my own. Because I am learning to make *myself* feel loved. This is a small step, but it’s on a path I’m really glad to be on.