It’s groundhog day. Once again, right before I’m supposed to meet an incredibly important personal goal, I’ve gotten sick and lost my ability to reach that goal. This has happened over and over and over again in my life, but this time it’s really hurting. This 5k. This recital. Both I have been working towards, everyday, for almost a year. Feeling so proud of myself and my progress. And all that work was just completely lost because I stayed up until midnight two weeks ago, waiting for Michael to come home from playing D&D.
I don’t know what to write right now. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m disappointed. I’m ashamed. I’m frustrated. I hear myself sing right now, and it’s not my voice coming out. I know what I’m capable of. I have a beautiful voice and right now, my weak lungs and scarred throat are sending out the sounds of a large dying animal. My running…. I can’t run half a mile without severe pain in my lungs. And I was SO CLOSE. So so close to completing these goals that I have spent so much time and energy on. I have been so proud of myself the last few months. I’ve come so far and worked so hard. Now I have to start that uphill climb all over again and it just plain sucks and I’ve done it too many times already. My recital is this weekend, and there’s a chance my voice will recover in time, but most likely it won’t. The marathon is in two weeks and unless my lungs miraculously heal faster than ever, then I won’t be running it.
But there’s always a silver lining, right? The truth is, I’ve gone through my life always starting over from zero. Constantly being set-back because of this anchor of sickness. This bronchial nightmare holds me back from the person I want to be and things I want to achieve because I’m constantly starting over. I’ve internalized always getting sick, and just felt like it was who I am– I am a failure. A lazy person who can’t get in shape. The voices in my head just constantly telling me I’m a bad person because everyone else can achieve these things, I must be doing something bad and I don’t deserve it. But you know what? I have a bronchial problem that is probably solvable if I just stop feeling like it’s my fault and go to the f*cking doctor to figure this stuff out once and for all. I can’t go on ignoring it anymore, and that’s why I’m adding this new life-list entry: Get My Health In Order. I’m never going to be that person I want to be, running and singing and everything else, if I don’t.
It’s an expensive road ahead… but health insurance will come and parents will help, and it’ll be worth it. Because staying up until midnight one time shouldn’t keep me out of work for two weeks and losing out on my goals, you know? I lead such a healthy lifestyle. I rarely drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t eat dairy, gluten, eggs, sugar, pretty much anything that could make me sick. I miss out on parties, I obsess over getting enough sleep because I’m scared of getting sick, I even moved out of my apartment
once twice because I thought it was making me sick. It’s stupid and it’s not normal, and I’m going to stop letting it control my life.
First up: Allergy tests. Second up: Wisdom Teeth removal. It’s happening. I’m still going to keep the 5k and the recital on my life-list. Even though I might not make the goals in 2011, I will make them once I get my health in order. And truly, I’m not sad this happened. Without these goals, I may never have fully realized what havoc my health was wreaking on my life. It’s forced me to see what I need to do in my life to be the person I want to be. And really, that’s kind of the point of my life list.