I’ve got a confession

I’ve got a confession.

I’ve been avoiding the blog. While I’ve been doing a lot of stuff on my list, (started singing classes! Signed up for photo school!) I’ve been grappling with a scary addition to my life list that’s driven me away a little.  I’m just plain petrified of writing it down. For the last two weeks it’s been that nagging thing in the back of my head that I’m not doing. It’s scary and difficult and big, so I’ve been avoiding the blog all together. But this life list is about doing those things that I secretly want to do but I’m scared of doing. Or too lazy to do. Or scared of telling people about doing.

So here is goes.

#55: Run a (f*cking) marathon.

You see, I’ve tried to have this goal before. I publicly announced it. I even made a blog about it. But it was a complete disaster.

Here’s how it went down: It was 2009 and I had been working desk jobs since 2007. I was sitting in the same chair 40 hours a week, and I was sick and tired of sitting.  It was making me cray-cray with all the expendable energy I had.  I heard about this online program called From Couch to 5k or something like that – and I started the program to get rid of all that energy. Sadly, the chair I had at my desk was quietly but seriously doing damage to my back. The slight sway-back I already naturally had was being compounded by the shape of the chair. So when I started running, on pavement no less, I compounded it even further. Disastrously so.

Finally I threw my back out so badly I was horizontal for two days without being able to walk one centimeter. I couldn’t sit down on a chair without help. I was officially, like, 95 years old. I went to a physical therapist and a chiropractor and tried to fix my back in every way I could. Meanwhile, I abandoned the running goal, shamefully deleted the blog, and meekly hid in my house trying to pretend it never happened. The whole situation totally wrecked my self-esteem. I’m a 25-year-old chubby girl who needs help sitting down? Seriously. That’s a pretty rough blow to the self-esteem sector. So while I enjoyed running at least two miles on a daily basis before I got a desk job, I haven’t run since that back catastrophe.

Fast-forward to now, and I (thank god) haven’t sat at a desk in over 18 months. Nothing fixed my back except not sitting in that stupid chair everyday.  My back problems are completely gone, but I have yet to return to running.  I’m living with all that built up energy, and currently it comes out in spazoid wrestling matches at midnight and freakout impromptu dance parties in the morning. Which is, don’t get me wrong, *super fun* but I’ve got to find a healthier way to deal with this fireball of energy swirling around inside me. I think Michael is getting a little tired of me being a spazoid at midnight.

So enter running. I loved running. It got all my emotions out. It calmed my internal monologue that engages in senseless and constant chatter. Running gave me some of the quietest, most peaceful and meditative moments I’ve ever experienced. And with all the chatter I do at work all day long, and all the internet and other distractions, I could really use those quiet moments.

If this lady can do it, I can too!

So I’m officially putting up #55. I may not start today, but it’s there. It’ll probably be just a 5k, but that’s huge for me. I’m going to get over the thought that I’m too old to start. I’m going to get over the thought that I don’t seem like a runner type. I’m going to get over my fears that I’ll fail.  Because the movie Black Swan taught me one thing: only you are you’re your own worst enemy.  And those fearful voices in my head do nothing but harm.  Plus even if I do fail, at least I’ll get some peace and quiet while I’m at it. In the end, it’s all about the journey isn’t it?

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5 Responses to I’ve got a confession

  1. Amanda says:

    First of all….um chubby?! Where?!!! Also, you have totally taken my thoughts and put them on paper. I am so with you on the thoughts of completing a marathon and actually getting it down on paper and setting it in stone and making it official…..effing scary right?! Kudos to you, I have complete faith in you! And I hope that I can soon muster up the guts to follow suit. You rock.

  2. Deb says:

    Good for you for posting your “confession”. Don’t forget that even if you never complete a marathon, just trying, is a huge accomplishment. Don’t let your self esteem take a blow. Some people never even try! You couldn’t pay me enough money to run a marathon, let alone, a 5K!

  3. Pingback: An update in brief – and a video just for fun | A Musing List

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